I can’t even count on both hands how many times I’ve told a guy I’d always be there for them, that I support them, that I will always care for them and love them. Sometimes they listen and other times they shut me out completely. Truth be told, it drains me and takes a lot for me to be that open, but that’s also who I am and how I was raised. I’m the girl who flew to San Francisco at the drop of a hat because her childhood friend’s mother was in a coma and she needed support. I’m the girl who helped not only her best friend, but helped her with her niece in her time of need. I’m the girl who watched her cousins for months right after her uncle passed away from a heart attack at the age of 43. I’m the girl who stayed with her grandma right after her grandpa passed away from cancer a few years after her uncle passed. I’m the girl who worries when her friends are down, when they are depressed, when something bothers them. I’m the girl who is always there for her family and been with them through every struggle, taking hits financially when needed. I’m the girl who wants everyone to be happy even if she isn’t at the time. I’m the girl who wants to help those in need.

I’m not telling you all of this for sympathy. I’m telling you so you understand who I am and where I came from. Loving someone means that no obstacle will change your mind. No matter what situation. You love someone unconditionally. You’re there for them no matter how big the struggle because that’s what friends do. You help each other out in their time of need and hope that they love you enough to reciprocate.

I could dwell and sometimes I do, sometimes more than I should, but it’s better to let it be what it will be. My last ex hurt me emotionally. I was with him for almost a decade and at the end of it all he was indifferent, which is worse than hating someone in my opinion. It meant he just didn’t care. I recently opened my heart back up to loving someone and it was left at a standstill. He had his reasonings and I respect that, but I often wonder how he feels, if he knows I care, if he knows I’ll always be there for him if he lets me in, or if he wants to shut me out completely. The uncertainty of it all drives me mad, but with this uncertainty also came a gift and that’s my ability to write again. The ability to write from the heart, and it’s a gift I will always be grateful that it came back to me.

Sometimes we have to walk in complete darkness in order to find the light again, and it might take days, or it might takes weeks, and sometimes it might even take months, but if we trust that there’s a bigger picture, then in the end it’ll all work out if we just keep believing. It’s all about follow through. Trust yourself and your emotions because if not you’ll live a life full of what if’s and regrets and that’s not a life worth living so be brave and tell someone you love them. Follow through and remember where there is darkness there will always be light, and love will always be there if you allow yourself to open back up again.

Dare to dream big in every aspect of your life. Go ahead. I dare you! :)

It’s a new year and a new me. It’s about letting go of the past and embracing the future. All of it. I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret. I had been hesitating of letting go of my ex completely. The very last tie I had to him was Facebook, but he was hardly ever on and seeing his picture brought up both the good and the bad, and our fantastic memories were just that. Fantastic. He made it hard for me to completely hate him because he wasn’t all bad. One Christmas he wrote me twelve, count them, twelve different cards with sayings from my favorite authors and words of encouragement to keep on going and write my ass off. To keep reaching for the stars. My gift from him after reading those cards, which also gave me tears of joy? A shooting star necklace, which I still wear from time-to-time. He just had his asshole moments, but what person doesn’t? And that thought of the good times, like the shooting star necklace, are what kept me holding on. Maybe one day he’d turn around. Maybe one day I’d get my Cinderella moment. Maybe one day he’d come back to me and tell me he was wrong and I was the one for him and that he suddenly liked travelling and wanted family and kids, but I kept holding my breath ( I find myself doing that often) and nothing came. Not even by horse drawn buggy.

My roommate, in her infinite wisdom, said, “just let go and unfriend him. Do you talk anymore?” I had to really think about it for a second. She hadn’t been the first person to ask, nor was it the first time she had asked me that question, but this is the first time I was even seriously contemplating what she was asking of me. I had tried contacting him in the past, but it had been a long time.  “Well, no. We don’t. Last time I spoke to him was last Christmas and that went well (insert sarcasm here).”

Thinking about him both makes me happy and brings tears to my eyes.  But letting go of him on Facebook, unfriending him, it meant that it was really over and that the last eight, almost nine years, were gone, and I truly had to start over again, and that scares me a little (okay, a lot!). No lost hope. No what if’s. Letting go meant it was done for good.

The truth of the matter is I think he had let go since 2010. I believe I had limited access to his profile. Though I couldn’t be certain because he wasn’t one for social media either. But I held on tight because the last half of our relationship we were on a break and then back together again so in my mind I think I wanted it to be the longest break we had, but someday it would be better again. His family loved me and I loved them, and I loved him, but I knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore, and yet I wanted to wake up and have the perfect life. The kids, the doting husband, the white picket fence, the whole nine yards.

But that’s not the case. I wake up in an apartment. Granted a fabulous one. Two bed, two bath. Walking distance to everything and amazing neighbors and a roommate I can also proudly call my sister, but it’s not where I pictured myself at 32, and that has been the harsh realization that I needed to wake up to. Life isn’t perfect and it doesn’t always go according to plan, but sometimes if we hang on longer, it’s better than we ever imagined. I have an amazing job and love all my authors. I love what they bring to the table. I love how strong this job and my authors make me. I love how strong I’ve become with everything that’s happened to me in the past. I love that I can dream past what dreams I had back in the early part of 2002 to about 2010 and I dreamt big. I helped amazing people like Scarlett Williams and Hilary Rowland with their dreams, and now I’m big on chasing my own dreams and thinking big so as I sit here typing I have to consult our trusty magic eight ball. Yes, we have one…

“Magic Eight ball, will 2014 be my year?”

“Without a Doubt.”

I smile. It did it’s job. It made me happy.

Okay, one more question, “Will I find true love again?”

“Concentrate and ask again.”

You have to love the wisdom of the Magic Eight ball. I’m sure it wants me to be specific. Concentrating and asking again, “Will I find true love in 2014?”

“Cannot predict now.”

I should be upset at the Magic Eight ball for that response, but life is unpredictable so I’m going with the flow. I have my big girl panties on and I’m ready for whatever comes my way. So, world, bring it. I’m ready for you. The question is, are you ready for me? Are you ready for all of us, universe?

I'm going to open up the door and let you into my life a little and hope you let me into yours. 

1. I'm a native Palm Springs. There aren't many of us. 
2. I spent most of my summers in NY. People thought I was spoiled because I went to NY so often, but if their families had have been from Washington or Mississippi, my summers would have been spent there instead. My dad was from the Bronx, Riverdale area, and my mom from Blasdell, NY. It's a small town right outside of Buffalo, NY. They also thought I was spoiled because my family is in the restaurant business, but I will tell you right now we're not rich and I've worked many jobs over the years (some without pay to gain experience, and sometimes as many as four to make ends meet). We're not rich, but we are a family of hard workers. 
3. My Great-Uncle Tony (aka Sonny) managed Martoni's in Hollywood in the late 60's and early 70's. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin were also seen in there. My great-uncle even denied the late Sonny Bono entrance into his restaurant because he wasn't dressed properly. It's rumored that Sonny retaliated by writing the song "Laugh at me." It's ironic that I work for the PS film festival sometimes since that was Sonny Bono's baby. 
4. My grandpa was part of NYPD's finest. He was part of the Times Square police force for almost 21 years. I tried bringing up the Mafia and Black Panthers a couple of times, but he changed the subject. I learned to leave it alone. Though I wish I would've pushed harder because those secrets and those times died with him years ago. 
5. My great-uncle opened up Riccio's in Palm Springs after he realized all the celebrities were retreating to PS. His friend, Frank Sinatra, still frequented his new restaurant. In fact, it was Frank's idea that my great-uncle open a restaurant in Palm Springs; Though he needed help so my grandpa moved everyone out to Palm Springs to help out. Nothing like family to help out in our times of need. 
6. In college I was part of Sigma Kappa. I love those girls and will love them for life. They taught me it's OK to be me. I like me. No, scratch that, I love me. 
7. In college I also joined the school newspaper, the Highlander. I was the assistant news editor and also the Features Editor. They entered me into a contest. 
8. That contest opened up so many doors. It was to be part of Teen People's news team member team. Out of thousands of applicants only twenty were chosen. I was one of those twenty. I was the eyes and ears of Teen People for over two years. I was also published in that magazine. 
9. At Teen People, I met a girl from Florida named Scarlett and I helped her start Beautiful Girl magazine. In a year we managed to get it into Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Borders and Books a Million. Not bad for two girls still in college. :) Scarlett now owns a fabulous online boutique, Scarlett Lillian,  and her own photography business with her husband, Steven. 
10. Through that I met Hilary Rowland, an amazing model and business mogul. I started working for her on and off helping her with Urbanette and New Faces. I love learning from her. I still help her out to this day with another company, Project Migration, a fashion accessories company with a charitable initiative. 
11. I started out as a drama major in college, but realized I was way too shy so I switched to bio. That lasted a year. I hate math, but my roommate, Sarah, from college stuck with it and she is a fantastic biology professor who is also getting her PhD at Fordham University now. 
12. I spent the next year searching for what I loved. I realized I loved reading and writing so I majored in literature. I minored in creative writing. I also realized I loved anthropology so I double majored. 
13. I love monkeys and I love studying other cultures. I still use my anthro background to this day in my writing. 
14. I'm a spa baby. I don't think there are too many procedures I haven't tried. 
15. My freshman english teacher, Mr. Pascualini, said I would never make it as a writer and to quit while I was ahead. I took offense to it and showed him. I moved into AP English and Dr. Linn kicked my butt. I will always love her for that. 
16. I'm an extreme sports junkie. No, really, I am. I've been skydiving, Zorbing, paragliding and ziplining. I want to shark cage dive and bungee jump still. I wrote an article for one of Hilary's websites once about this. You can read about it here.
17. I will be forever grateful to my professors in college who constantly push me. Tod, Mary, Susan, Gayle and Stephanie. Thank you!!! I will repay you someday. 
18. I love to travel. I have been to Australia, Costa Rica, England, France, and throughout most of the US and parts of Canada. I have made travelling every four years around the presidential election a tradition of mine. I vote and then take a long vacation...just in case. Haha. 
19. Thanks to my mom living in Blasdell when she was younger, I have been to Niagara Falls many, many times. More times than I'd like to count. I have been on every tour of Niagara Falls imaginable at least twice. It's alright though. I love Niagara on the Lake. Fabulous shopping there. 
20. I have learned great discipline and patience by working for the family business. 
21. GQ once did a photo shoot with Benjamin Bratt right after Ocean's Eleven came out at the restaurant. Also, I love movies. I cry at the thought of one of my books eventually being turned into a movie. I hope to write a successful screenplay someday too. It's part of my bucket list, but that's for another list, and on another day. 
22. Many celebrities have frequented Riccio's including all of the girls from Friends, Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey, Sidney Sheldon, Mr. Sharp (he owns all of the Four Seasons hotels), and some of our former presidents. Oh and lots of music people. I'm almost never star struck thanks to my family. Hell I hung out with Kevin Rahm from Desperate Housewives during the film fest and loved it. They are no different than everyone else, and would like to be treated as such most of the time. 
23. My Uncle Bob used to work for Sony music when he was a little younger than me as a promotions assistant. He became friends with Tommy Shaw from Styx. My uncle made work his life. It's also what killed him so young so I take that lesson to heart. It's okay to work, but you have to find balance as well. 
24. Tommy Shaw used to see me a lot when I was younger and then saw me again when I was 21. He asked my Uncle Bob, "That isn't Heather is it?" My uncle paused, looked at him, and sarcastically said," No, that's not Heather." Then he laughed and said, "Of course it's her." I think I made him feel old. :( He's a nice guy though. 
25. I met Ellen Hopkins at an SCBWI event a couple years ago and was in awe. I also met Robin Benway while in the UC Riverside MFA program. I strive to be just like them. Successful enough to do what they love and write like there is no tomorrow. I wanted to be just like Susan Straight and Gayle Brandeis as soon as I started working with them. Both of them poignant, successful female writers.

Plus, an extra fact thrown in for good measure. I love my job. I work for Entangled Publishing and have for a few years now. You have to do what you love and the rest will fall into place. There will always be doubters, always be people who say you can't follow your dreams. People who say you can't have a personal life and a work life, but it's all about balance. Find that balance and you'll be golden. 

Now I'd love to know more about you. What makes you tick?  Where did you grow up? Dish. On this day before Christmas, I'm asking you to dish away! :) 

The holidays are all about spending time with your friends and family. Remember that and everything will go well. It's not about the presents, but it's about being with your loved ones because if you can't be with them during the holidays when can you? Remember you are powerful. You are loved. You are amazing and you are you. Remember that this holiday season. I'll be spending it with family. It's always crazy and fun at the same time so you can bet there will be posts soon. So what are you up to the next few weeks? Dish! Ready and go! :)