Love Letters to Myself- a reflection on 2014, two months later

Dear Me,

As far as you’re concerned this year can take a match, stick it up its ass and light itself on fire. You lost your best friend of almost twenty years over jealousy. Jealousy can be a bitch and bring out the worst in all of us. It’s brought out even the worst in you in the past. You found love on Match.com of all places. You never wanted to do online dating, but she convinced you after you had another set up horribly wrong. She was the one who told you to give it a shot and you found your boyfriend. He’s sweet and he gets you. He’s okay with you having bad days. Everyone does. He hates to see you cry, but is there for you if you need a shoulder to cry upon. 

You cry ugly tears. Big ugly tears. Ones that make your face all puffy. No one wants to see that, but it happens. You cry alone when no one is home. Sometimes the dog comforts you. She knows something is wrong. She knows when you’re in pain, but you tell her you’re okay and hope she’s listening. She tilts her head as though she is and that’s good enough for you. 

You finally let go of everything and start to move on. You even get a tattoo on your right wrist with a few others in Vegas, a lotus flower to symbolize rebirth and growing from the ashes because you feel like this year has done that. It’s been a rebirth of some sort. Though you don’t quite understand everything just yet. 

And then later in the year, at the end of September, your grandma ends up in the hospital from falling unconscious and hitting the concrete. She’s bruised badly, but a fighter. Like I said, it can stick a match up its ass and light itself on fire. This year has been one of many ups and downs. Almost twenty years down the drain over jealousy, but understand, this wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t hers. People grow apart and that’s what you did. You grew apart. Those who love you stuck by and those who didn’t, left. 

Those voices in your head may tell you otherwise. They’re so quick to judge. So quick to make you feel small and worthless, like there’s no point to your life sometimes. But understand, whether or not you get it, there is a point to your life. There’s a point to everyone’s life. Sometimes we just don’t know it yet. We go through the motions. We wake up. We go to work. We strive to be the best we can be. We break down, and when we break, which we haven’t broken like this in years, it feels as though a Mack truck has run over you several times, paused, waited for the pain to sear through every being of your body, and then runs over you again. An almost malicious smile on its face as its doing it that is if a Mack truck had a face. In the end you feel drained, helpless, confused. 

That pain, those voices who tell you can’t, they drive you to be better. They make you strong. They say that only the strong survive, but some of the strongest people you know are the most vulnerable. They break down. They have bad days, horrible no good, very bad days. The ones that make you want to not wake up ever again. The ones that make you question your very being. Those kind of days. But know that in the end only you can make you happy. Only you can cause yourself pain. Only you can make yourself unhappy and only you hold the key to your own happiness. 

Staying with your grandma several days a week at night while she becomes stronger again, you realize several things. That woman has the angels on her side. God works in mysterious ways, but that woman is one of the strongest and calmest women you have ever met, and she makes you strong and calm by just being around her. Two, sleeping beside her in the bed, you learn that she will either have nightmares or some of the most hilarious dreams depending on what she’s last read. You wake up to her blood curdling screams as though someone has grabbed a hold of her and won’t let go. You shake her and calmly whisper, “Grandma, it’s okay,” and she breathes normal again. Or you wake up to her laughing. A laugh straight from the gut and you wonder who she’s talking to. Who she’s with. You tell her the next morning and she tells you it must be the gentleman from the romance novel she was reading. He was telling her this most hilarious story, but she can’t remember all the details. You smile. You ask her about her nightmares and those come from her reading murder mysteries at night. 

We all love curling up to a good book, the feel of the paperback in our hands while we turn the pages, and while you love a good murder mystery yourself, you think you’ll stick with romances. Because in the end our lives should be one big romance novel anyway. Full of joys, sorrows, trials, disappointment, romance, and happiness. You want to wake up smiling, and not screaming. Because who wants to scream bloody murder anyway? 

I want you to tell me your love letters to yourself. Every Friday I'll be posting new love letters. New affirmations. If you're interested, either tweet me @HeatherRiccio or e-mail me.



Peace, love and lots of wisdom,

Heather 

It’s a new year and a new me. It’s about letting go of the past and embracing the future. All of it. I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret. I had been hesitating of letting go of my ex completely. The very last tie I had to him was Facebook, but he was hardly ever on and seeing his picture brought up both the good and the bad, and our fantastic memories were just that. Fantastic. He made it hard for me to completely hate him because he wasn’t all bad. One Christmas he wrote me twelve, count them, twelve different cards with sayings from my favorite authors and words of encouragement to keep on going and write my ass off. To keep reaching for the stars. My gift from him after reading those cards, which also gave me tears of joy? A shooting star necklace, which I still wear from time-to-time. He just had his asshole moments, but what person doesn’t? And that thought of the good times, like the shooting star necklace, are what kept me holding on. Maybe one day he’d turn around. Maybe one day I’d get my Cinderella moment. Maybe one day he’d come back to me and tell me he was wrong and I was the one for him and that he suddenly liked travelling and wanted family and kids, but I kept holding my breath ( I find myself doing that often) and nothing came. Not even by horse drawn buggy.

My roommate, in her infinite wisdom, said, “just let go and unfriend him. Do you talk anymore?” I had to really think about it for a second. She hadn’t been the first person to ask, nor was it the first time she had asked me that question, but this is the first time I was even seriously contemplating what she was asking of me. I had tried contacting him in the past, but it had been a long time.  “Well, no. We don’t. Last time I spoke to him was last Christmas and that went well (insert sarcasm here).”

Thinking about him both makes me happy and brings tears to my eyes.  But letting go of him on Facebook, unfriending him, it meant that it was really over and that the last eight, almost nine years, were gone, and I truly had to start over again, and that scares me a little (okay, a lot!). No lost hope. No what if’s. Letting go meant it was done for good.

The truth of the matter is I think he had let go since 2010. I believe I had limited access to his profile. Though I couldn’t be certain because he wasn’t one for social media either. But I held on tight because the last half of our relationship we were on a break and then back together again so in my mind I think I wanted it to be the longest break we had, but someday it would be better again. His family loved me and I loved them, and I loved him, but I knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore, and yet I wanted to wake up and have the perfect life. The kids, the doting husband, the white picket fence, the whole nine yards.

But that’s not the case. I wake up in an apartment. Granted a fabulous one. Two bed, two bath. Walking distance to everything and amazing neighbors and a roommate I can also proudly call my sister, but it’s not where I pictured myself at 32, and that has been the harsh realization that I needed to wake up to. Life isn’t perfect and it doesn’t always go according to plan, but sometimes if we hang on longer, it’s better than we ever imagined. I have an amazing job and love all my authors. I love what they bring to the table. I love how strong this job and my authors make me. I love how strong I’ve become with everything that’s happened to me in the past. I love that I can dream past what dreams I had back in the early part of 2002 to about 2010 and I dreamt big. I helped amazing people like Scarlett Williams and Hilary Rowland with their dreams, and now I’m big on chasing my own dreams and thinking big so as I sit here typing I have to consult our trusty magic eight ball. Yes, we have one…

“Magic Eight ball, will 2014 be my year?”

“Without a Doubt.”

I smile. It did it’s job. It made me happy.

Okay, one more question, “Will I find true love again?”

“Concentrate and ask again.”

You have to love the wisdom of the Magic Eight ball. I’m sure it wants me to be specific. Concentrating and asking again, “Will I find true love in 2014?”

“Cannot predict now.”

I should be upset at the Magic Eight ball for that response, but life is unpredictable so I’m going with the flow. I have my big girl panties on and I’m ready for whatever comes my way. So, world, bring it. I’m ready for you. The question is, are you ready for me? Are you ready for all of us, universe?

I'm going to open up the door and let you into my life a little and hope you let me into yours. 

1. I'm a native Palm Springs. There aren't many of us. 
2. I spent most of my summers in NY. People thought I was spoiled because I went to NY so often, but if their families had have been from Washington or Mississippi, my summers would have been spent there instead. My dad was from the Bronx, Riverdale area, and my mom from Blasdell, NY. It's a small town right outside of Buffalo, NY. They also thought I was spoiled because my family is in the restaurant business, but I will tell you right now we're not rich and I've worked many jobs over the years (some without pay to gain experience, and sometimes as many as four to make ends meet). We're not rich, but we are a family of hard workers. 
3. My Great-Uncle Tony (aka Sonny) managed Martoni's in Hollywood in the late 60's and early 70's. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin were also seen in there. My great-uncle even denied the late Sonny Bono entrance into his restaurant because he wasn't dressed properly. It's rumored that Sonny retaliated by writing the song "Laugh at me." It's ironic that I work for the PS film festival sometimes since that was Sonny Bono's baby. 
4. My grandpa was part of NYPD's finest. He was part of the Times Square police force for almost 21 years. I tried bringing up the Mafia and Black Panthers a couple of times, but he changed the subject. I learned to leave it alone. Though I wish I would've pushed harder because those secrets and those times died with him years ago. 
5. My great-uncle opened up Riccio's in Palm Springs after he realized all the celebrities were retreating to PS. His friend, Frank Sinatra, still frequented his new restaurant. In fact, it was Frank's idea that my great-uncle open a restaurant in Palm Springs; Though he needed help so my grandpa moved everyone out to Palm Springs to help out. Nothing like family to help out in our times of need. 
6. In college I was part of Sigma Kappa. I love those girls and will love them for life. They taught me it's OK to be me. I like me. No, scratch that, I love me. 
7. In college I also joined the school newspaper, the Highlander. I was the assistant news editor and also the Features Editor. They entered me into a contest. 
8. That contest opened up so many doors. It was to be part of Teen People's news team member team. Out of thousands of applicants only twenty were chosen. I was one of those twenty. I was the eyes and ears of Teen People for over two years. I was also published in that magazine. 
9. At Teen People, I met a girl from Florida named Scarlett and I helped her start Beautiful Girl magazine. In a year we managed to get it into Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Borders and Books a Million. Not bad for two girls still in college. :) Scarlett now owns a fabulous online boutique, Scarlett Lillian,  and her own photography business with her husband, Steven. 
10. Through that I met Hilary Rowland, an amazing model and business mogul. I started working for her on and off helping her with Urbanette and New Faces. I love learning from her. I still help her out to this day with another company, Project Migration, a fashion accessories company with a charitable initiative. 
11. I started out as a drama major in college, but realized I was way too shy so I switched to bio. That lasted a year. I hate math, but my roommate, Sarah, from college stuck with it and she is a fantastic biology professor who is also getting her PhD at Fordham University now. 
12. I spent the next year searching for what I loved. I realized I loved reading and writing so I majored in literature. I minored in creative writing. I also realized I loved anthropology so I double majored. 
13. I love monkeys and I love studying other cultures. I still use my anthro background to this day in my writing. 
14. I'm a spa baby. I don't think there are too many procedures I haven't tried. 
15. My freshman english teacher, Mr. Pascualini, said I would never make it as a writer and to quit while I was ahead. I took offense to it and showed him. I moved into AP English and Dr. Linn kicked my butt. I will always love her for that. 
16. I'm an extreme sports junkie. No, really, I am. I've been skydiving, Zorbing, paragliding and ziplining. I want to shark cage dive and bungee jump still. I wrote an article for one of Hilary's websites once about this. You can read about it here.
17. I will be forever grateful to my professors in college who constantly push me. Tod, Mary, Susan, Gayle and Stephanie. Thank you!!! I will repay you someday. 
18. I love to travel. I have been to Australia, Costa Rica, England, France, and throughout most of the US and parts of Canada. I have made travelling every four years around the presidential election a tradition of mine. I vote and then take a long vacation...just in case. Haha. 
19. Thanks to my mom living in Blasdell when she was younger, I have been to Niagara Falls many, many times. More times than I'd like to count. I have been on every tour of Niagara Falls imaginable at least twice. It's alright though. I love Niagara on the Lake. Fabulous shopping there. 
20. I have learned great discipline and patience by working for the family business. 
21. GQ once did a photo shoot with Benjamin Bratt right after Ocean's Eleven came out at the restaurant. Also, I love movies. I cry at the thought of one of my books eventually being turned into a movie. I hope to write a successful screenplay someday too. It's part of my bucket list, but that's for another list, and on another day. 
22. Many celebrities have frequented Riccio's including all of the girls from Friends, Brad Pitt, Mariah Carey, Sidney Sheldon, Mr. Sharp (he owns all of the Four Seasons hotels), and some of our former presidents. Oh and lots of music people. I'm almost never star struck thanks to my family. Hell I hung out with Kevin Rahm from Desperate Housewives during the film fest and loved it. They are no different than everyone else, and would like to be treated as such most of the time. 
23. My Uncle Bob used to work for Sony music when he was a little younger than me as a promotions assistant. He became friends with Tommy Shaw from Styx. My uncle made work his life. It's also what killed him so young so I take that lesson to heart. It's okay to work, but you have to find balance as well. 
24. Tommy Shaw used to see me a lot when I was younger and then saw me again when I was 21. He asked my Uncle Bob, "That isn't Heather is it?" My uncle paused, looked at him, and sarcastically said," No, that's not Heather." Then he laughed and said, "Of course it's her." I think I made him feel old. :( He's a nice guy though. 
25. I met Ellen Hopkins at an SCBWI event a couple years ago and was in awe. I also met Robin Benway while in the UC Riverside MFA program. I strive to be just like them. Successful enough to do what they love and write like there is no tomorrow. I wanted to be just like Susan Straight and Gayle Brandeis as soon as I started working with them. Both of them poignant, successful female writers.

Plus, an extra fact thrown in for good measure. I love my job. I work for Entangled Publishing and have for a few years now. You have to do what you love and the rest will fall into place. There will always be doubters, always be people who say you can't follow your dreams. People who say you can't have a personal life and a work life, but it's all about balance. Find that balance and you'll be golden. 

Now I'd love to know more about you. What makes you tick?  Where did you grow up? Dish. On this day before Christmas, I'm asking you to dish away! :)